Don't You Know Who I Am?
Indeed. Some people just don't realize the company they are in.
I took a friend and his mother out for lunch to a nice we place in the country. One of those places that look like a farm but actually double up as a shop and a restaurant. I know farmers have to diversify these days, but latte coffees and cream buns etc. What about the poor old Ostrich and the good old Crocodiles? Hmm!
Anyway, back to the lunch. The food was delicious. The service was excellent. All done by very pretty young milkmaids....sorry by young ladies. Now i have been to this establishment before with my wife and my daughter on numerous occasions. This was the first time ever my friend and his mother had been there. All done and dusted and toileted (my friend always has to use the facilities when we are out, he never goes before we leave the house. Typical.) It comes to paying the bill. Friends mother and my wife (sorry, didn't mention my wife was with us as well. She was.) go out to the shop part of the establishment to look around. My friend are left there to argue over the bill. As to who is going to pay. I say I will pay (I'm generous like that) My friend says he will pay. He snatches the bill from my hand. I snatch it back. He snatches it back from me and in doing so he rips the bill in two. Meanwhile, the young lady at the till is looking on quite bemused. This is where the fun really starts....
My friend....I really enjoyed that. Can I get the recipe?
Lady....Smiles
My friend....Yeah. The food was excellent...I really enjoyed it
Lady....Smiles
Me.......Did you really like that?
Friend....Yeah!
Me to young lady.....He wants the recipe for that meal. Can you get it for me?
Lady....I will ask in the kitchen
Me to young lady....Don't you know who he is?
Lady...No
Me to young lady....You mean you really don't know who he is?
Young lady....No, should I?
By this stage I see my friend going a bright pink colour
Me to young lady.......Why, this man is a famous chef. He travels the country looking for new recipes for his restaurant in London
Now the young lady is going pink
My friend is now red
Young lady.....Really?
Me to young lady.....No, not really. I just wanted to embarrass my friend. I think it worked. Look at the colour of him
After nearly 47 years of friendship I thought we were going to fall out there and then. Fortunately my friend has a sense of humour. Felt sorry for the young lady though. I will have to apologise to her the next time I am there. Unless of course, I am with someone who has never been there.
Good harmless fun all round. Try it sometime when you are out with someone. Let me know the reaction.
I cannot be held responsible for any injuries received.
Ta ta
Posted :: Thursday 8/28/2008 7:19:00 AM
Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The
Old Oak Tree (or in this case the Spindle Tree) for she's coming home. Yes folks, my, our, daughter is coming home from her travels. She will be arriving on Friday morning.
In days, or years, gone by the kids (as they were then) always asked me what I had brought home for them after I had been away either on business or pleasure. With my daughter it was something to do with Cindy dolls gradually going up to coffee mugs from the well known coffee names as she got older. In fact even to this day. With my son it was anything to do with WWW (and I am not talking about the Wildlife People here). Wrestlers! gradually moving up the ladder to cigarettes, even to this day.
Now it's my turn. My daughter was given strict instructions on what to bring back for me. Yes. You guessed it. Rolling Stones stuff. Not just any old Rolling Stones stuff, but the new CD album with the Made In The USA on it. Reason! It is different from the UK and the EU issues. What's the point in collecting stuff if you don't go all out. I have a friend arriving in a couple of weeks from Canada. Yep. He's going to bring me the Canadian issue with him. Sad innit!!!!
Coming back to my daughter. I, we, are really looking forward to seeing her home. I even think that her brother has missed her this time. Does thin mean that the sibling rivalry actually coming to an end?
Wait and see, Wait and see
The doctor phoned me yesterday to discuss the results of the blood tests I had done last week. I am this I am that I have this I don't have that No you don't need to worry about the other thing. Now, just break all that down to human speak. I get up in the morning. I'm alive. I go to bed at night. I'm still alive. I get up the next morning, I'm alive and on and on and on. Nothing to worry about. Is there? As long as I live the way I am things should be alright. I will talk to my Swedish nurse on Monday (What, you didn't realize I had a Swedish nurse. That's another story for when you are older and able to comprehend the complexities of life). She will soon put me at my ease. (no, not like that, you filthy minded whippersnappers)
To close off I am going to give you a transcription. This, I think will show all that the word FECK is the only swearword needed to use to cover every eventuality in life. What do you think?
Feck / Fecker / Fecking
Ignorance----Fecked if I know
Trouble------I guess I'm fecked now
Agression----Feck off
Displeasure--Go feck yourself
Difficulty---I'm fecked
Incompetence-I'm fecked if I know
Suspicion----What the feck are you doing?
Enjoyment----I'm having a fecking great time
Request------Give me a fecking hand
Hostility----Go feck yourself
Greeting-----How the feck are you?
Innovation---What the feck?
Surprise-----Feck
Anxiety------I'm fecked
And on and on and on
What other single word can cover such a multitude of sayings than that? Answers on a fecking postcard
Click on the usual place to submit your horror at the language used on this piece of gack
Byse byse
Posted :: Wednesday 8/27/2008 5:49:00 AM
Maybe I will, maybe I won't
You all seem so interested in unveiling my identity. Why? Do you not think it's fun having all this secrecy? I do. I was thinking about writing a book about, yes, you guessed it, me. Now I am not so sure. I like all this guesswork. Maybe I could get one of you lot to write it for me. It could start something like this.
There once was a person called McDuff. He was a great person who did wonderful things for people and was a great collector of Rolling Stones memorabilia that people who read the blog would send in to etc etc.
How about that for an opening. Booker prize material or what? More like tosser prize (you don't have to agree on that part) Should anyone feel like be a ghost writer on my behalf get in touch. I'll take 99% you take 1% (after all it is going to be about ME.
See what happens
My friend has just this morning departed to go back home to London. Great to see him. Had a good time catching up with things from our past, present, future and of course, gack for gack's sake. I still have my other friend up from the South. He will be departing tomorrow sometime so there is still time to discuss even more gack. In a couple of weeks he will come back again as we have a mutual friend coming over from Canada. Even more gack to talk about. There's nothing beats talking gack after imbibing for hours in the pub.
See what happens
I have nearly come to the end pf Dune. While my friends were here I was not in any fit state to take in such things as the written word / sentence. I am looking forward to getting hold of a copy of Dune Messiah (in hardback of course, I don't like paperbacks as the print tends to be too small.)Should any of you out there have a copy you know what to do. Don't you?
Wait and see, wait and see.
We have the pleasure of an open air concert tonight. Curtis Stigers. Guess what. It's started to rain again. Don't think I will bother going. I like my comforts in my old age (well not really old, but someone who is in my age group, older but young in mind. You know what I mean)
I am going to sit down for a while and watch to see if Team GB (should be Team UK) can somehow beat the Russians for third place. Haven't really been watching but might as well. It's raining after all.
I have now received Rolling Stones memorabilia stuff from two of you. What's wrong with the rest of you? I know. You're too young. Resolve this problem by asking your parents. Easy. (didn't you know I can always come up with a solution to any problem)(mind you, my teachers didn't appreciate this amazing gift I have) If you need to know anything. And I mean anything. Just ask. If I'm in a good mood I just might get back to you.
Don't forget now, all Rolling Stones stuff to ME via contact through the web site.
For newcomers to this blog, should you feel like commenting just click on the blue title up above. Your views will be hacked by the critics but you will be made to feel very welcome. Ask Randal.
Cheers and ta ta and byse byse and cheerio
Posted :: Saturday 8/23/2008 7:20:00 AM
The forecast for today is
Rain rain rain More rain more rain Heavy rain more heavy rain Torrential rain more torrential rain localised flooding etc etc etc
Yesterday it rained all day. And I mean ALL feckin' day. The flood warnings were issued. People all over the country knew it was going to rain. They knew there was going to be localised flooding everywhere. So! What happened?
Do people in this country not listen to the news? Do they not watch the weather forecasts that my man Frank puts out on the telly every night? Obviously not. Hence the big cry when they are flooded out of their homes with all their possessions ruined. And no insurance to cover such losses. If i knew of such weather conditions coming my way and i had a day or even two days to prepare that's what I would do. I would get as much stuff upstairs as possible (providing there was an upstairs) or into the roofspace. I would also check my insurance policies are up to date. Home insurance is one of those things that are just that wee tad more important than other things, do you not think?
Anyway, listening to the news this morning made me very angry. Why? Those feckin' politicians who come out on the street and start mouthing off about the Fire Service / Water Service and other services involved. Saying they aren't doing their jobs. T%hey are doing their feckin' jobs, they are just doing it somewhere else and not on your feckin' doorstep Mr Politician. They might get more done if you, the Government didn't keep putting more and more cutbacks into operation.
There, I've got that out of my system. I feel that wee bit more relaxed about the rest of the day. Big big breath. Hold. Release slowly. That's it. Relax. Phhheeewwwwww
Now, what is there to rant on about? Gack doesn't always come easy you know. One has to think very carefully about how the gack looks on paper before actually putting it down. Usually the best place for talking gack is down the pub. I haven't been 'down the pub' for a while but I am looking forward to later this week when my mate arrives over from Londinium. (you didn't realise I knew Latin did you)( It's a secret language that a long forgotten race used to write in. Don't know if they actually spoke it, but write it, yes) Anyway, later this week. Looking forward to it. Some casual early drinks. Some serious later drinks. A goo bit of live music. Maybe at Wolsleys. Thursday night. See if you can spot me any of you who are still living in this town. Jube jube to the first person. (it would have been the ideal time to wear those boots that I sent back eh!)
Got to go now. Get some more housework done. Can't have the house in a state for my friend coming over. don't want him thinking I live in a mess. Well, a big mess anyway. Lets see, clean out the daughters room, get rid of all those pink br.... girly clothes and change the bed. open the window to let the rai....fresh air in. Make sure the upstairs bathroom is clean (what, you don't have two bathrooms? How do you survive?) Keep the sons bedroom door closed to keep the smell of Buckfast away. nothing worse than the smell of Buckfast. Sort of like Mundies or QC to you older ones. after that, i think I will collapse for a while. In fact, I think I will collapse now and do it tomorrow.
Ta Ta for now
Comments as usual always read. Not always replied to though. You can talk amongst yourselves anyway.
Posted :: Sunday 8/17/2008 3:42:00 AM
Yes, we have no bananas today
This is part of one of my problems. My last stint with the NHS was all due to me having a high potassium level. Amongst other things I have to stop eating bananas. Now I enjoy fruit but i don't eat a lot of bananas. Now I'm not allowed any of the feckers. It also looks as though grapefruit and tomatoes are included in the list of banned fruit (and before you ask, tomatoe is a fruit) What next? One day they are saying eat 5 a day. How, they've just taken 3 away from the equation!!
Wait and see, wait and see.
I am just so cock a hoop that some of you have at last got round to offering to send me Rolling Stones stuff. Great innit? All I need now is more of you to make the same offers and maybe someday I can fulfill my life's dream of opening a Rolling Stones Museum upstairs in my son's bedroom when he eventually leaves home. There will be a minimum entry fee to cover admin but other that that it will be FREE!!! I'm one of these people who have visions of the future. My Life Coach told me not to have such visions of granduer. I told her to ^&*%$£$%% amongst other things. Just contact me through the web site to make your kind and generous offers. I check it every 24 minutes just in case (sad innit?)
Now that I am home and back in my own bed again (it's always nice to get back to your own bed) I had a great night's sleep last night. I actually slept right through. Not like the previous night. I was settled down for the night and read for a wee while (really into Dune at the moment)(those Harkonnens really want their arse kicked)Anyway, fell into a nice sleep. .....WHA what!! Who are you? Why are you wakening me? Who are you? What time is it? IT'S WHAT!!!! 2.30AM!!! Yes, the Doctor was on his rounds and had only just caught up with me. So he decided to waken me at 2.30AM in the feckin' morning. Why? To tell me what I already knew. I had a high potassium level.
Ever wanted to kill someone!!
Anyway, now back in my own bed. Good nights sleep. Got up today and did a few things around the house (in between checking my laptop every 24 minutes. Just taking things real easy at the moment. I am writing this now as my wife is watching some dribble on the TV. It's called DRIBBLE due to the fact that old people fall asleep in front of the TV with these programmes and dribble from their mouths. Me, I keep my mind active by using my Nintendo DS. You won't find me dribbling over that. My mind is fit. Just like the page 3 models that you don't see coming from this town
Got a mate coming over from London soon. He will be staying with us for a few days. We have the room rather than a settee as our daughter is still in the States (she is going to get me some merican Rolling Stones stuff while she is there, very considerate of her. Innit?) So I might not get a new blog done until he goes back home. No doubt we will go out on the town with Dr Smirnoff and a few others.
Don't forget your comments. I am not the only one who seems to be enjoying them judging by the interaction going on. Click above for any newcomers wanting to have their say.
Byse byse
Posted :: Thursday 8/14/2008 1:27:00 PM
Yes, yer HRH
Over the past couple of days me and my darling wife have been clearing out the cuboards so that we can store even more tat in them over the next year or so. My wife gave me a folder and said, 'here sort that one out' followed by her toothless grin... sorry that's the mother in law...... sorry that's the witch in Hamlet. Anyway, as I was going through this folder I came upon this letter what I wrote for the in house mag of the organization I was working for at the time. Word for word. Here it is
"Buckingham Palace 3rd November 2005"
"Feeling a wee tad nervous I got up early as I had a rather long journey to make to meet someone very VIP indeed. What I was going to say, if anything, to this person I hadn't got formulated in my mind as yet. I had a feeling that it would have to be short but succinct so that I would get my say in as to why I was there and speaking to Her in Her own house. This person was the most VIP person that I was likely to meet in my life. This was the Queen of England!
I was staying up in North London with a friend so I had to get myself from Radlett to Buckingham Palace before the arranged meeting time of 11.30AM. Taxi to the station, train from Radlett to King's Cross, tube from King's Cross to Green Park. Green Park to the Palace. Easy peasy. Provided you knew where you were going. Nothing to worry about. I used to live in London. Why do I feel so nervous then? I know, it's the last part of the journey that's doing it. The part where I come out of Green Park!
After taking a nice stroll through Green Park I arrived at the front gates of Buckingham Palace to find hundreds of people milling about taking pictures and filming themselves with VCR's. These people are more commonly known as 'Tourists'. As for myself, I was too busy looking around for a policeman or some other official sort of person so that I could find out where I was supposed to go. I eventually found this this very nice man on a horse who very kindly told me to go over to the East Gate at the far end of the railings. The horse was very nice as well, he didn't stomp on my highly polished shoe. It took me a while to get to the gates as i was busy taking pictures of this statue and that railing just like all the other tourists were. Eventually I came upon the correct gate and met up with some other people wearing similar badges to mine. I started up the usual conversation with some of them. 'What about ye' Are ye all right?' This was greeted with some sort of puzzlement. Although these same people were going to the same function as I was going to they were not from Norn' Iron' and therefore couldn't understand a word I was saying. I changed tack a wee bit and slowed my speech down a bit and took a deep breath and spoke in English to them. 'Hello, how are you?' I got a response at last. The chit chat went on and more and more people arrived. Eventually a face appeared that I recognised. It was one of the crowd from home. Then another, then another. Eventually all of Northern Ireland was there. All eight of us. Shortly after that the gate was opened and we were ushered into the Palace grounds.
ID check, don't walk there, walk over there, go in there, over there please etc etc. And we were in. We were inside one of the grandest buildings I have ever been in in my life. And that's a lot of in's. After leaving my coat in the cloakroom I was shown the way to go. We all went up a very grand staircase and into a very large reception area. This is where they were going to 400 people in (I found out outside that there were going to be 400 people in attendance) But no, there were 2 ante rooms which were even bigger. I decided to start circulating with the others that were there. Probably as nervous as myself. I stopped and talked to a woman who upon reading her badge was involved with Mental Health. I was able to talk for a wee while on this subject with her, not because I have a mental problem, but because my brother does the same sort of work as she does. I moved on and talked to a few more people that had the same idea as myself. Talk as much as you can and you won't feel so nervous. I sat down on one of the luxurious settees that lined the walls and was just resting when a face came towards me. He asked could he sit down beside me and I made space. We talked for about 20 minutes on various matters concerning this and that. Then a gentleman came along and upon noticing who i was talking to joined in. He was from the Home Office. I made my excuses to Dr Paisley and moved on. That was the longest chat I have ever had with a politician without discussing politics. It was nice.
Moving around the room I came across other dignitaries. Gordon Brown, Prince Philip, Prince Edward, The Duke & Duchess of Kent. I got talking to a man who had the FA Premiership on his badge. IK asked him what team he played for. He told me he didn't but he supported Everton. He also works for the FA. I don't very much about football.
About ten minutes after the football incident HRH Queen Elizabeth 11 entered the room. Palace aides started moving people to the sides of the room so that HRH could move freely up and down. I went about half way up the room and started talking to one of the Norn' Iron' crowd. The Queen was making her way up the room at her own pace. After all, it's her house. Eventually she got to me. She looked at my badge and then looked at me and asked me 'And what do you do?' This was it. This was my moment. Nobody was going to spoil it for me. I said , in as dignified a manner as I could. 'I grow native trees to be planted out into the surrounding countryside Your Royal Highness' There. I had said it. Those 15 words. The only words that I could think of saying on the spot. Just like that. HRH looked at me and said 'Good for you'. Then she turned away and did exactly the same with the next person.
HRH must have very boring days sometimes."
There you go. Excitement or what. I just thought that I had to share this with you all.
Of course I could also tell you about my 1st visit to Buck House to meet Prince Philip. Then again. Maybe not. Too much excitement might be bad for you.
Comments in awe always welcome. You know how. For those of you who don't, read the last blog
Byse byse
Posted :: Sunday 8/10/2008 11:51:00 AM
Dr Who?
Standing at the bus stop waiting for a bus, what else?, and I overheard two old dears talking. Did you realize that your GP probably hasn't a clue as to what he is talking about. You know he trained for 8 years at med school and then worked those awful hours in the hospital all for nothing. That is, of course, according to the experts. Old Dears.
They have been around longer than Dr Who himself. They have had more illnesses that any Doctor can diagnose. They have been in hospital more times than doctors have had hot dinners. They have been around these Old Dears. Even I learned a few things about Doctors that I didn't know about. I don't even think the Doctors know themselves. Poor mites.
Anyway, one thing. It turns out that I am safe. My practice came very well recommended, all except for the head of practice. He doesn't take any shit from anyone. His bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired. But all the other Docs in the practice are dead on. (I actually get on very well with the head of practice, maybe I don't make him do unnecessary house calls!!!!)
It's August. It is time for going outdoors and doing outdoor type things. Play / work / frolic about / drink / walk about / more drink etc etc. What! Not in this feckin' weather. I can't even get to the car boot sales to buy in my winter supply of reading material (the charity shops are getting too expensive) I am down to my last two books. I have just started reading a book that I have been promising myself to read for gawd knows how long. What is this masterpiece I hear you ask? This is a book that has been put beside the likes of The Lord Of The Rings and Stranger In A Strange Land and other such masterpieces. This is DUNE. Written in the 1960's and it looks to be a pretty fine piece. (so far)
If I can get to the car boot sales before the season ends, (yes, there is a car boot season you dodo's, I hope to be able to replenish my shelves with a few good novels / thrillers / mysteries / porn....forget that last one. I buy that elsewhere. Nuff said. Say no more. Wink wink. How's yer father and all that stuff.
Did you make your fortune? No. But I made something. I managed to cover my costs anyway. There was some extra. That can go towards some Rolling Stones stuff to add to my ever growing collection. Talking of which. You all know that I am a BIG Rolling Stones fan and avid collector. Yet, none of you. NONE of you have contacted me with offers of stuff. Why is this? Have I done something wrong? All you have to do is let me know down below and I will send you one of the nicest replies in the world. All of you are invited to send me stuff. All of you must know someone in your family circle or your circle of friends even who has Rolling Stones stuff that they no longer even look at. Go on, make someone happy in your life (me). Peter will open the gates even quicker for you when you get there.
To make contact with me just hit the Contact Us button on the front page of this site.
To leave silly comments, (or serious ones for that matter) just click the title of this blog. All comments always welcome (except ones about Barry's Amusements. That one has been talked out)
Cheers, bye bye, see ya, till next time, byse byse, okeydokey etc etc
Posted :: Saturday 8/9/2008 12:40:00 PM
The Giant Stone Eaters
Sad days, really sad days indeed. In my earlier days, when I was but a lad. I was known to have a rather eclectic taste in music. One of my fave 70's bands was SAHB, otherwise known as The Sensational Alex Harvy Band. Now Alex had one of these characters intertwined in his musings. It was the Giant Stone Eater. A possible relative of Frank Zappa's Eddie The Mountain (told you about the eclectic didn't I!) Well anyway, I was walking along Castle Street the other day only to find the Giant Stone Eaters were in action eating up one of my old schools (I say 'one' because I went to many schools in my youth)(that's another story for a rainy day) I stopped and watched in amazement. These beings showed no mercy whatsoever. CDUUUNNNNCCCHHHH! There goes the waiting area to see the Headmaster. It brought back memories to me. Like the very first day i attended the place I was caught smoking out the back by that wee s--t of a man known as the caretaker. Needless to say it was reported to the top man and during my very first assembly my name was called out amongst others to go and see the Headmaster. We all went. My turn came. He was rather nice about it. He told me off. He confiscated my ciggies and matches and told me to come and see him after school. I did. Got a bit of a shock though.
He handed me back my ciggies and matches and told me not to bring them into school again. Modern thinking or what. I liked that school.
While I was looking on more memories came into my mind. I am of the old school when it comes to learning and being taught. This was the school where they tried, tried I say, to teach me NEW MATHS!!! NEW MATHS, it's like GARLIC BREAD! Who in their right mind wanted to learn NEW MATHS. I think in those days it was on this thing called a curriculum. Never heard of that either. I need to get out of here. Anyway, I actually did move onto another school where NEW MATHS was not even mentioned.
(little was I to know, I would later marry a young bit of stuff who went to the very same school but by then the Maths teacher was the Headmistress. Strange New World)
I am sure you have all guessed which school I am talking about. Yes. It's the Bangor Academy. (or the Bangor High School or the Secondary or the Comprehensive, all depending on what age you were when you attended the place.) I wonder what will happen to the site once the Giant Stone Eaters have finished having their supper. Not flats I hope. Not another car park either. I know, what about a nice piece of GREEN area. Bangor needs more GREENNESS in the town. Any other ideas annoy your local MP / Councillor / Mayor / Those ones that sit up in Stormont etc
A special note now for AVID READER. If you do that then the only alternative is, I will have kill you
Comments as usual always welcome. For those newcomers, all you have to do is click on the title. Everything else is magic.
Cheers
Posted :: Friday 8/1/2008 3:52:00 AM
